To Be Brutally Honest With Myself.

I’ve decided I need to be more proactive with my happiness. Do more for myself, or just in general, do more. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t think there is enough hours in the day, but can easily spend a whole day watching Netflix. I downloaded the Headspace app a while ago in a hope to work on my mindfulness. It takes ten minutes to do a meditation, but oh no, I don’t have enough time for that, I better watch another 30 minute show instead!

I have tried time and time again to do more, be more active and to put my mental health as a priority, but I just slide back into my old ways so easily. It’s almost like getting over an addiction. Retraining your brain to think in different ways is hard, it’s very easy to think “this takes too much effort and I am currently surviving.” But I’m not thriving and at some point, I might stop surviving this way. I cried for what I think was the first time during a therapy session the other day, and we weren’t even discussing anything that heavy. Just the fact I naturally think negatively. I’m starting to get really frustrated with this. I think, partly because I’m more aware I’m doing it and so more aware at how damaging it is.

I have noticed I make a lot of excuses to not do things.

  • Yoga? A lot of places want you to commit to the same class each week, which is pretty much impossible when you work shift patterns.
  • Swimming? Can’t afford a membership.
  • Running? I suck.
  • The gym? Horrible.
  • Walking? To get a decent nature walk requires getting a bus somewhere.
  • Baking? Ingredients cost to much.

I’m sure you get where I’m going with this. Why can’t I make excuses to actually do these things, the main excuse being my mental health?! I write a baking blog and I even make an excuse not to bake sometimes.

I really fell in love with swimming but I was too lenient with myself and wasn’t going regularly enough so the monthly membership was becoming too expensive for me to keep up. But it costs a fiver to go for a swim, so why didn’t I just go whenever I had a spare five pounds? So, this is what I’m going to start doing until I am earning full time wages and can go swimming more often.

I have noticed I am not very good at starting things “now.” Something needs to of finished, like university, or I need to buy a new planner before getting myself organised. But then I just spend a few weeks, or months, miserable, thinking once this is over everything will be fine. I felt like that in my last few weeks of placement. That once I got it out of the way and I was done I would feel lighter and more relaxed but unfortunately, that’s not the case. I don’t feel any different and I’ve got more time on my hands to dwell on the fact I don’t feel any different. In work I am very motivated and do tasks pretty much instantly so why in my personal life everything has to “start tomorrow.”

Something I need to start is turning my phone off when I go to bed. I like to listen to a podcast or audio book whilst in the bath so I will carry on doing that but I find myself scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, comparing my life to everyone else’s because they’ve got better clothes than me or somehow seem to be on holiday all the time but never seem to be at work. And I’ll continue to do this whilst in bed “trying” to get to sleep. So I’m going continue listening to something in the bath, just with my phone out of reach and then turn it off when I get into bed.

I’ve started listening to Happy Place by Fearne Cotton, which I was skeptical about at first. There are so many of these podcasts or books that seem to be “instagram popular” but are they actually beneficial to our mental health? The first episode focused far too much on Tom Daley and his husband having a baby rather than what I initially thought the topic of conversation would be on. But I’m going to continue listening to it and see what the next few episodes hold.

I think I need to learn there are so many hours in a day, and I can fit more than one thing into a day. Having a hobby like baking is great, and has been so beneficial to me, but doing it every day or three times a week is silly. So, maybe I need to think about having another hobby, something where the outcome is slower and I just spend 10 or 20 minutes doing it everyday. Knitting maybe? Maybe I need to write more and this could help me feel a bit lighter? To not have those thoughts bubbling around in my brain giving me a headache. Maybe, just maybe I need to start listening to my own advice. And maybe, next time I write to you all I will of started doing more and finding my happiness.


What do you do to stop negative thoughts? 



8 thoughts on “To Be Brutally Honest With Myself.

  1. Bless you Munchkin – driving a Hotrod helps some negative thoughts but probably creates just as many – it’s all about life and trying to process shit – cycling helps me – you need to find your cycling

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been here. Many times. Jiu jitsu helps me massively…. mostly because the other girls I do it with encourage each other. It’s hard to motivate yourself … much easier when you have others. Don’t beat yourself up….. most people are like this. Just begin to investigate ways of motivating yourself or trying new things.

    I also find that the Mel Robbins’ 5 second rule helps loads. It makes me do things spontaneously rather than making plans and lists, only to do diddly squat. Watch her TED talk!

    I had a lot of issues in that I had an all or nothing approach e.g. if I couldn’t work out for an hour, there was no point. Now… I just try to focus on starting and doing even a little. A ten minute jog is better than nothing. And often it will inspire you to do more. Maybe for you it’s paying for one swim a month or week?!

    Hope that helps! Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I will definitely have a look her TED talk! Thanks for the heads up.
      That’s exactly how I feel – all or nothing. Yeah I’m going to start getting myself to go for a swim at least once a week and then it should inspire me to go more!
      Thank you for your lovely comment x


  3. What you write about really resonates with me. I hear you and what you are saying. The headspace app is great, so is yoga, so is swimming and running and all these things but why can it be so hard to do them sometimes?
    Sometimes I tell myself I’m lazy, or sometimes I tell myself I must not really enjoy them otherwise surely I would do them more?!
    Sounds like we both have similar barriers on this subject to overcome. I really look forward to hearing how you get on. I have every faith that you’ll achieve your goals.
    Much love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it’s hard as well when I do enjoy something but just can’t make myself do it. It’s strange isn’t it?!
      I think just trying to do a little often is better than nothing at all. But that can be difficult when working shift patterns!


  4. I’ve worked on this. The “so easy to be stuck & not the other way around” problem.

    The avolition, the ignition point, is what it is. Not procrastination perse. Also, divided focus: current focus is always given priority. They are essentially energy demand pre calculation command errors.

    It flies in the face of the rest of neuro-social learning theory, but is so ubiquitous I’ve had to realize that the older theories are invalid. The do not apply to this aspect of the circuit.

    It does not matter “how good it makes you feel”, activity ‘x’ (meditation/exercise etal), or if it is an ‘approved task” for social trade or health reasons – there is no **initiating power** in that reward force.

    Therefore, the initiation has to be compelled, without reward, using an empty mind protocol. An understanding that “it will never be time, so it is always time”. Compelling yourself to act.

    You may stop things: but you can not *NOT* start things, has to be the rule.

    It may be intrinsic in the machine the “error”, Im not quite finished – but nearly. And it is not exactly an error either. And Ive left a few things out, like that.

    But at core, that is in large part what is going on.

    And the observation of the planning reward “start tomorrow” (as it will not disperse current focus) & that on task completion “you feel no different” (for incomplete or successful tasks this is true, that is the next lesson). All fine observations. =D

    The other answer you are missing is projects: all things must die.

    That is to say, “This is my 8 wk Yoga trial” or “now I do meditation for ‘x’” – then mark them as completed & move to the novel project.

    If you start items that in theory have no end, like “daily meditation” or “gym 3 times a week” – this demands the preparation for the release of an inordinate amount of power from the system. & metacognition will read that & cancel it.

    Bc A/0=0. Outcomes held up to infinity unbalance equations, if that makes sense. So the “error” is the system correctly cancelling their initiation, while it is also true that you want to & believe it to be beneficial.

    You are a system, a decision making & mapping artifact echo, program of a largely unconscious semi-closed system. You are not a “You”.

    Thankx, a fine entry to inspire thought. ❤ ^^



  5. So appreciate all you share lovely one , learning how to. Deal with life. Takes a lifetime ! But it’s only one day at a time. JOY. Is what I come back too. Not been very good at the last one. I e. Yourself. Getting better at it . O. Others. I’m happy if I can help other people to be happy. J. Jesus. Not always got this one right. And it’s caused us all a lot of grief. 😜❤️🙏❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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